Can't Give It!

Can’t Give It….

Not long ago a wise friend of mine made a statement that has stuck with me and is changing the way I see a lot of things.  Because of this statement so many things make a lot more sense now, and has helped me to better accept others for who they are, what they do and what they say. The statement that was shared with me was “You can’t give what you don’t have”.  It took a few days for this to sink in so to speak and slowly it began to come into full light for me.

Often times in a relationship we become frustrated, angry, bitter, and resentful because we are not getting what we need or want out of the relationship.  Sometimes we might verbally attack and accuse, other times we might hold it all in until we explode and we just end up making the relationship worse instead of better.

We may desire that special closeness that some people have with their parents.  You know the healthy relationships that you see others have with their mom or dad… or maybe it’s a special closeness you need/want with your spouse or significant other. But for some reason we are always left with that unfulfilled feeling and your heart aches from it.  I know I have had these feelings, and I still deal with them. It’s a struggle at times and I find myself becoming resentful even angry which is NOT good for me or them.

So what do we do?  I challenge you to think about this statement “you can’t give what you don’t have”.  Try to think about this: Are they equipped to give you what you need/want?  What was their childhood like?  Did they suffer from abuse in their life? Have they healed from the tortured emotions it left behind? Have they been given the tools to change their behavior?  Are they stuck in a pattern that they have never been able to let go of?  It could be that at this point in their life they are not able to give you what you need/want and YOU are not able to make or force that change for them. You are only able to change yourself and how you approach it, your attitude.

This is NOT an easy thing to accept, the fact that perhaps this person(s) will never be able to fulfill those needs for you… but we look to change ourselves and how we can accept it and do what is necessary for us to stay healthy.

Thoughts on Shame

Thoughts on Shame

Toxic Shame: Believing I am Bad!

In the past shame crippled my thought process and my belief of who I was.  I thought I was a ‘nobody’, that I was not worthy of any praise, compliments and certainly not worthy of a healthy love.  I believed ALL the negative garbage others said to me or about me. After all it must be true because those I looked up to the most were the ones telling me who I was. I felt like I couldn’t make anyone happy, I always let them down, I never live up to their expectations and they ALWAYS let me know about it, they don’t let me forget.  This sort of thinking paralyzed my emotional growth. How could I possibly become healthy emotionally if I truly believed I was BAD!

It took a very long time for me to come to the place that I realized something wasn’t right. I had to replace all the old tapes in my head that told me the lies about myself and my self worth. It wasn’t until I was almost 40 years old that I began to change these thoughts. It took a lot of hard work on my part and it was very difficult. It also took a lot of prayer, a lot of support from friends and a good Christian counselor.  Even today almost 15 years later there are times I still struggle and the old unhealthy belief system tries to push its way back into my thought process.

When we are continually told these things we actually begin to believe they are true,   especially as young children. Think about it, what are we telling our children?  They are under our care we are responsible for them. We help shape their lives emotionally and spiritually. If we continually call our children names or tell them they are bad, they WILL begin to believe all the garbage they are fed. When that belief system is engrained in their minds, if is not unusual for them to begin to act out on those beliefs.

We must be aware of what we are saying to our children and grandchildren. 

Do we praise them each day? (Find something good to say about them DAILY)

Do we tell them we love them on a daily basis? (Three simple words I LOVE YOU can change their world)

Do we give them healthy hugs? (SHOW them we love and care about them)

Remember OUR words are forming THEIR belief in themselves.

Codependency

Codependency

Recently in a class I was attending someone asked “just what does being codependent mean”.  I decided to write a bit about it and share some ideas that may lead to a little better understanding of this issue as I see it.

First of all codependency is often involved in what some might call a “toxic relationship”. The interesting thing is if you are in a codependent relationship and move out of that relationship, chances are you will find another relationship to be codependent in unless you change your behavior, heal and continue to make good choices in your life.

Ok, so everyone is a little codependent and that is healthy. For example, when we are born we are dependent upon our mother or caregiver for everything… literally our life depends on them, we develop a close bond. However as we begin to grow in a healthy progression, that dependence becomes less and less, until we can totally function on our own - we become independent. Then we move on to healthy interdependent relationships with friends, family members, mates, where it’s a give-and-take healthy, supportive relationship. But sometimes we get jammed up in the process, stuck so to speak in a certain areas and relationships do not develop in a proper healthy way.

In a codependent relationship one person may become resentful, feelings of being trapped yet afraid to be independent. You have one person needing to be needed and another person needing that feeling of control. One will do anything to please the other, bend over backwards to please, setting aside their own feelings and needs to do whatever it takes to keep the other person happy,  sometimes even to the point to sacrifice their own physical health. And that is exactly what the other person wants and needs to be taking place. The “I can’t live without you” feelings are always on the back burner of the thoughts and emotions. The fear of being alone, the fear of not being able to survive without the other is a major part of their life and what drives the unhealthy behavior (mind you I think some of those thoughts feelings are normal to an extent in a healthy relationship, however in a codependent relationship those feelings become debilitating).

So what do we do? The first step is to realize and honestly admit there is a problem, then to reach out and ask for help.  Changing the old tapes in our head of “I can’t survive without you” to “I can survive, I can become independent in a healthy way.” The wounds can be healed, the changes can be made and if both partners involved work together their relationship can become healthy and productive. However the fact is, often times BOTH partners will not take these steps together and the relationship may not survive. Once a codependent person makes these changes and begins to develop healthy choices for their self, and moves toward being independent in a healthy way… the other person does not deal with this change well, and sometimes “moves on” to find someone else who will enable their addictions, behavior, bad choices and need to control.

This is when the codependent person has to take a stand and choose to continue to develop a healthy life… it can be extremely scary to walk this path, but in the long run it will be for the best.  Find a friend, loved one, or group of supporters to help you through these difficult times… and take it one little baby step at a time… don’t give up on yourself… 

Proof of Existence?

Proof of Existence?

I have to ask myself, "just what is a life worth"?

yesterday I went on a mission while in upstate NY, with the help of my sister and her husband. This was one of the things that I've wanted to do for a long time, to find the grave sites that recorded some of my family history.

It seems the older I get the more I feel a need to find evidence of my heritage and record it. I want to go to these places and touch the stones the markers that make a statement of history. The items that say "I was here, no matter how short or how long my existence and that someone loved me".

I found going to these places brought up some deep feelings and questions. I went to the place where one of my aunts is buried. Her name is Betty Mabel Underhill, the twin sister of my mother, born on Feb. 25, 1925, she died at the age 13 months old and was buried on March 20, 1926, and there was no headstone, no marker, nothing at all, other than the ground sinking to the shape of her little coffin. 

My search continued and I found records of my brother Joseph LoVetro (infant) who died at birth, his burial date was May 4, 1953. The records guided us to the place of his final resting place.  After pacing out row by row and then burial plots to row 18 plot 110, we arrived and once again we found no headstone. I got down on my knees and began to dig, hoping to find a small round concrete marker with the plot number (as we had noticed on some other plots). We found it buried about 2 inches under the grass, a small round 3 inch concrete marker with 110 carved into it. This small tiny piece of concrete is the only evidence of this precious baby's existence.

I find myself briefly grieving for this two babies, even though I never knew them. I ask myself how can anyone bury their baby and not mark his or her existence no matter how brief their life was. Even if they never took their first breath, this is a soul, a living human life from the point of conception.

I realize these tiny bodies beneath the ground are decayed, and returning to dust but they themselves, their souls, I believe sore in Heaven and their bodies are whole and pain free with my Lord. I understand that the rituals of funerals and the placing of headstones are for those of us left behind on this earth. This is perhaps a part of the grieving process for some of us.

Through the process of this journey I have made a promise to myself that my brother Joey and my Aunt Betty will have a proper headstone. Even if no one ever visits their place of rest. I will know they now have their marker as a statement that says "I was here, no matter how short or how long my existence and that someone loved me".

Betty Mabel Underhill

1925 - 1926

Joseph LoVetro (Infant)

May 1953

Mother's Day: The Other Side

Mother's Day: The Other Side

For some, days like today Mother’s day (or Father’s day) is a wonderful time of celebrating, remembering the wonderful times of their childhood. Memories they will cherish in their hearts forever. They are thankful for the blessed childhood they had (or have)… For some, their parents are no longer with them and they yearn for just one more hug or “I love you”.  They treasure the times of yesterday.

These children had (have) a mom and/or dad that supported them, cheered them on, and encouraged them.  Their parents never spoke “down” to them, calling them “good for nothing”, “stupid”, “lazy”, “dim-witted” and other demeaning names that I won’t list here because they are too offensive, but you understand my point I’m sure. For these children they are truly blessed.

However there are thousands upon thousands of children who were (are) not blessed in this way.  For some this is not a time of fond memories and happy times,  for some their childhood was (and is) full of fighting, yelling and abuse that came in many forms from neglect to emotional and verbal abuse, to physical and sexual abuse... for these little ones and even as adults they hide their silent tears....

 

Remember YOU are the one(s) who are forming your child’s life…  Children are a gift from God, treasure them, encourage them, and speak kind words to them.  Don’t demean them or abuse them.  Tell them you love them, hug them and lift them up into your arms and protect them.  This is YOUR responsibility as a parent.  

IF you cannot do this, put your children in the care of someone who can do this for you, and for them, be a responsible adult, step back and get help for yourself.

They cry silent tears, they live silent lives, and some will die a silent death never knowing what it’s like to have a happy healthy childhood.

This day I reach out and send love and hugs to those who still suffer in silence… you are not alone.

Report Child Abuse:  1-800-4 A CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Depression: "Around the World"?

Depression: Around the World?

When I write about depression, how it feels, how I respond, how others respond, it’s primarily based on my own personal experience.  However I truly believe and feel that others who suffer from depression experience much of what I speak about.  I know this from those who share with me and some things I've read.

Here in the USA we have seen how people with depression have been treated over the years. We have seen people labeled, shunned, out-casted, treated like second class citizens, over looked, ignored, put away in sanitariums and mistrusted. We have seen them considered “undesirable” in the work place, in leadership positions and the list goes on.  However I believe that we (in the USA) are beginning to recognize that depression is a serious “disease”, people are beginning to accept it as such… but we have a long way to go.

But let’s think about it, underneath our skin color, or ethnic heritage we look the same, we bleed red blood, we all have the same emotions, we all suffer from similar diseases etc.. The thing I wonder about is: “how do our various cultures treat people who are suffering from depression?” 

For example, here in the USA many tend to ignore the elderly, they are not treated with much respect, it’s like they have lived past their prime and now they are just in “waiting” until their time of death.  Where in other countries the elderly are treated with much respect and held in high regard (as it should be).

My question here for my readers is this: “How does your culture treat people who suffer from depression”?  Whether you are from the Netherlands, United Kingdom, Russia, Brazil, Germany, Japan, Africa etc…  I would love to hear from you about this subject.  If you would like to share with us, click the “comment” button below, you don’t have to sign your name, you can submit the comment anonymously… but if you don’t mind I would like for you to put what country you live in. I hope you choose to participate in this blog.

May God bless you!

Depression: What's Holding You Back?

Depression: What’s Holding You Back?

Reflecting over the past I can sit back and ask myself “what’s holding you back”?  In this particular instant I'm referring to myself (and others) who deal with depression regarding talking to the doctor about medication.

Many years ago, when I was first diagnosed with depression, the doc felt strongly that I needed to go on anti depressants.  Although I KNEW he was probably right, I hated the thought of having to take medication but I did agree to do so.

So there I was diagnosed with depression and taking medication hoping it would bring some sort of relief into my life. I was horribly ashamed during those years. I hid it from everyone, even family except for my husband. It took several weeks for me to feel any sort of improvement but it did happen and I was relieved.

Still the notion of having to be on anti depressants was not something I could accept for myself very easily. I had been influenced by the general population’s point of view; if you were diagnosed with depression and on medication you must be crazy, less than acceptable, a troubled person, and the looks that someone would give you and the opinions they would have were not very nice.

Over the years I have accepted the fact that I need to take my medication. There have been several times I’ve tried to get off them but within about 3 months I was back on them. I’ve made A LOT of progress in accepting all of the above and as you know I'm quite open about this disease now…. But something caught me off guard in this past year. My depression was getting worse, oh heck I chalked it up the Holidays were coming in a couple of months (or whatever other excuse I could think of) and I knew it would pass. The problem was, it didn’t pass, the depression got worse and there was no improvement. Of course being the “great pretender” I put on my best face and proceeded forward as others expected me to, that is until I was exhausted of the pretense and no longer could fight the battle alone.

I knew I needed to see the doc again, and figured a medication increase was in line… but I still fought that idea, old stigmas were haunting me again, I had a difficult time accepting it. WOW, after all these years I was fighting it again? Yup, I was, but I did go and I did have an increase in my medication, and guess what? I’m feeling much better now.

I've shared all this just to say… don’t allow anyone or anything hold you back from doing what is best for yourself, your health. Take that step, go see your doc, it’s OK… it’s OK… it’s OK!!! It may take a little time for you to start feeling improvement but it will happen. Will it take all your depression away? I honestly don’t know the answer to that, everyone is different, there is no ‘set rule’ to this… but I do know it will be a positive step in the progress of dealing with your depression…. 

Depression: Accepting Who I Am

Depression: Accepting Who I Am

Accepting who I am! Wow now those four words seem to shake a mountain of emotions out of the soul when you really start looking inside yourself. Recently I was sitting in a class and the teacher was talking about accepting who we are, he asked the question, “Have you accepted who God made you to be?” When you stop and think about it that can be a very difficult question to answer, and perhaps a confusing question in some ways. Not accepting ourselves in a way that would leave us happy with “status quo”, but looking deep within our heart and soul, looking with all honesty, “have we/I accepted who God made me to be?”

In my case I of course have to examine my struggle with depression. For as long as I can remember I have been depressed, even in my childhood and adolescence.  For me it was “normal”, I never knew anything else.

When I was in my mid- to late-20s, I began to ask myself “why do I feel like this all the time?”  My confidence and self esteem was horrible and I was very co-dependent - trying to live life the best I knew how (however, that is another story).  It wasn’t until I was in my late 30s that I began the process of accepting who I am.  Notice I said “BEGAN” the process…. It was at that point that I was officially diagnosed with depression and was prescribed medication to help with the ongoing disease. Even though the medication does help relieve some of the depression, it does not make it go away - it is not a cure for me. 

For years I have suffered silently with only the closest of friends and family knowing that I suffered from depression.  However in these past few years God has been giving me the courage to speak up about my condition and through doing so I have been learning to ‘accept who I am, the person God has made me to be”.  Is it easy? NO WAY!  It’s very scary at times with fear of judgment, the fear of rejection, and the fear of “pity” from others.  But in this process God has given me strength and is teaching me to accept who I am; in doing so I am now reaching out, speaking out and encouraging others who also suffer from depression and helping those who do not understand this disease to know more about it.

So it’s only by His Grace that each day I accept who God has made me to be. Do I ever fail at this?  Of course I do, but I’m determined to keep on keeping on, one day at a time, or one hour at a time, or one minute at a time….

I leave you with this scripture to ponder:

1 Corinthians 15:10 (NIV)

¹⁰ But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.

Depression: Under His Wings

Depression: “Under His Wings”

From the darkness into the light…

Often people who are going through depression describe it as being in the “darkness”, “dark hole”, “dark pit”, “clouds of darkness” etc.  I also have described depression in this way.

During a recent bout of depression, one of the longer bouts that I’ve had in quite some time I might add. I was sitting in church service one evening and it seemed my mind was jumping from one thought to the next, poorly attempting to relate what I was hearing, to my life in general.  "Blips" of my depression would pop up here and there and I found it very difficult to focus, (which is a common thing to happen during depression).

I sat there feeling the “darkness” hovering and trying to relate to something so it wouldn't feel so heavy and hopeless. Then my favorite scriptures came to my mind once again. At that point I had a vision within my mind of me under the protective wings of God, like an Eagle that would protect its young under its wing.

I seen myself under “His Wings” pulled close to His heart. It was dark, but it was comforting and I felt very safe.  I could glimpse out through His feathers at times, seeing the light and I knew within me when the time was right I would step back out into the light when my heart, mind and soul could face the world again.

I want to try and keep that vision and hold it close... and if another time of depression happens, my hope is that I can recall this vision of myself under His wings, close to His heart as He protects and heals me, ready for the next time to take flight.

Please take time to view this video I recently produced, 

I hope you will be Blessed....

Psalm 91 (New Living Translation)

 1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

      will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

 2 This I declare about the Lord:

   He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

      he is my God, and I trust him.

 3 For he will rescue you from every trap

      and protect you from deadly disease.

 4 He will cover you with his feathers.

      He will shelter you with his wings.

      His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Depression: "My Faith & Depression"

My Faith & Depression.

What role does my Faith play in my life dealing with depression? Have I ever doubted my faith? I would be amiss to tell you no. The answer is: Yes… yes I have doubted my faith in God a number of times throughout my Christian walk.  For me those times were during extreme lows of depression. There have been times in my life that I’ve cried out to Him and wondered where He was and why I had to go through this once again. Yet, deep inside there was that one teeny tiny seed of faith, so small that it seemed to be invisible to human eye even if one used a high powered microscope. So minute that I believe only God could see it, and I almost certainly could not feel it.

Does that make me a bad person, a bad Christian? No! Not at all! I dare to say that most Christians who have been walking in the Faith for a while and if they would be gut level honest; they would admit that at some point during their walk they too have doubted their Faith. But that is just my own personal opinion and I can only speak for myself.

Let me tell you what I do know about my faith in God. I KNOW that if not for Him I would not be living and breathing today.  In a few of the lowest of lows, when I felt so alone, so desperate and could see no hope, it was only by the Grace of God that I survived through those very difficult times. It was in the depth of those feelings of despair that God seemed to breathe a small breath of hope within me to hold on to as He pulled me closer under His wings. He let me know that in spite of all my doubts He still loved me and He was still in control. He gave me what I needed at the exact moment I needed it.

So, have I ever doubted my faith? Yes!  Have I ever let Him down? Yes!  But this I do know yet I cannot explain He has always been faithful to me, despite all my doubts and I can find refuge within His love for me.

Psalm 91:1-4  (New Living Translation)

 ¹ Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
      will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
 ² This I declare about the Lord:
   He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
      he is my God, and I trust him.
 ³ For he will rescue you from every trap
      and protect you from deadly disease.
 ⁴ He will cover you with his feathers.
      He will shelter you with his wings.
      His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Depression: "The Façade of Depression"

Depression: "The Façade of Depression"

As someone who suffers from the silent disease of depression as an ongoing part of my life, I realize there will be times that I cycle through bouts of depression. Sometimes these bouts are shorter than other times. Sometimes it may be more severe or longer than other times.

Throughout the years I realize I have become “the great pretender” during some of these bouts of depression.  Most of the people I come in contact with will not be aware of the turmoil that battles with me during those times. My words, my actions, my expressions become what others expect to see from me. So on goes the mask, the smile, the confidence, and I am the dependable person they expect to see.

When I go through those times I know within myself what I need to do. I need tell someone I can trust. This needs to be someone who can allow me to be sad and cry if I need to do so. Someone who is willing to offer endless hugs of reassurance and not judge. However when in the depths of depression, it is very difficult to reach out and share and ask for help even when you have that person even when you KNOW that’s what you SHOULD do (as I have mentioned in a previous blog post about depression).

Depression frightens some people, they are afraid to talk to, approach, encourage, and befriend etc someone who lives with depression. They may even have a tendency to avoid or to judge others who suffer from this silent disease.

Being in the middle of a bout of depression and feeling there is no one to turn to is a very helpless feeling. Inside we are screaming “hug me, listen to me, and allow me to cry, reassure me that I will get through this and you won’t turn your back on me or judge me”. But all too often we (the one who is depressed) will put on the façade. Yup we will put that smile on our face and be the strong, confident person everyone expects us to be. We keep life around us working as well as we can until we no longer can pretend. When we reach that point we have been depressed longer than most people realize. We have been physically and emotionally exhausted and the façade fades away. This is not the case with everyone who suffers from depression but I do believe it represents a large portion of us.

I do realize that “putting myself out there”, regarding this silent disease make me vulnerable to those who may read this.  Some will keep their distance; some will pre-judge me or label me; some may dare to challenge me or attack me. But hopefully most will learn and open their hearts to those who suffer from depression.

To Nook or Not to Nook

To Nook or Not to Nook

So last fall I decided to purchase a “Nook" from Barnes and Noble. The black and white Nook, not the new colored Nook.  Here is some basic info for you about it.  The screen is non-glare but it is only black and white, like reading a regular book. The non-glare screen is great for reading outside or traveling in a car or a brightly lit room. You can change the fonts and the font size of the book your are reading.  It can go on the web and browse, retrieve email, Facebook, chat etc etc.  There is a small colored screen located at the bottom that gives you a full color look at what you are viewing on the web or the covers of the books you purchase. I can go for days without charging my Nook if I’m simply reading books.  So there you have some of the basics.

What I really wanted to share with you was what I discovered about myself and reading via the Nook. I have NEVER liked to read! I hated it in school and most of my adult life. I have difficulty comprehending what I’m reading and retaining it. I could read a page or paragraph for that matter and then think to myself “what the heck did that say”?   

At this point you are probably wondering WHY I made the purchase of a Nook if I dislike reading so much.  It was mainly the ability to enlarge the font size of what I was reading. I CAN read small print, however for some reason the LARGER print size just kept coming back to mind. So I took the plunge, and this is what I discovered: I now like to read, for the first time in my life!

I began to analyze it “WHY” do I like to read now?  What I discovered was, in making the font size larger I could now read one line and go to the next without ‘losing my place’.  What I never realized was, I was not able track well while reading a regular book. I had to concentrate so much on not losing my place that I could not comprehend what I was reading! Now with the larger print (and trust me I put it on VERY LARGE print), I can not only read from one line to the next without the confusion of losing my place but I’m able to comprehend and remember more of what I'm reading.

So here are some final thoughts on this. I would highly recommend giving the “idea” of the larger print (or purchase of a Nook) for yourself or a child that has the same issues that I have mentioned above: difficulty tracking from one line to the next, difficulty comprehending and retaining what you read because of the tracking issue.  

Another important note is: discovering what type of books you like to read. What are your interests? IE: Biography, Psychology, Religion, Romance, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Mystery etc etc etc

It was a process but the bottom line is “I have discovered I love to read”!

Hugs Are Healthy

Hugs are Healthy

So I was thinking about the benefits of hugs and through some research found a few things that have been said of the “Hug”.  It seems most of what I found, has been what I have personally known for a long time.  It is especially important when it comes to dealing with those that suffer from depression.

Did you know if a new born infant is left only to be touched when necessary IE: feeding, changing etc. and there is no other physical touch, holding, hugging, cradling, almost always has a failure to thrive, do not grow properly and end up with severe social problems… IF they survive?


It’s been said by some researchers that we need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth… I dare to say some of us are endanger of becoming extinct if this holds true.

Below are a few benefits I personally have found to be true.

• A Hug opens doors to share our feelings with others.
• A Hug says “you are important to me”.
• A Hug helps ease the pain of loneliness.
• A Hug can give strength to overcome fear.
• A Hug assists in building self-esteem.
• A Hug helps to release tension.

• A Hug is portable; you carry it with you where ever you go.
• The benefits of a hug continue even after the hug is released.
• You can give a Hug anywhere.
• You come equipped with what you need to give a hug. No cost involved.

There are some things we need to be aware of and be respectful to. Some folks just don’t like their “personal space” invaded.  If that’s the case, we need to ask permission to give them a hug.

There may be some instances when you truly feel a hug is necessary, tell the other person, “Ok, I just need you to know, I’m going to give you a hug now”, so they are not taken by surprise.

But what if you are not the “hugging” type of person? Some folks refer to it as a “touchy feely” type of person.

There are many people that are not the “hugging” type, if you are one of these people what you need to consider is:

• Do you love someone who IS the “hugging” type?
• Is there someone in your life who NEEDS the physical touch of a hug?
• Is there someone in your life who suffers from depression?

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, then I would say “If you love them, and you value your relationship with this person, you will learn to share this life giving touch”.  


When you love someone who needs the physical touch of a hug, why would you not learn to share a hug? What is your lack of sharing this physical touch silently saying to them? Trust me on this one, your actions or lack of actions speaks a thousand times louder than your words.

And one last note: “a good hug just plain feels good”!